


Never Have I Ever

by rarmaster



Series: don't you worry child [20]
Category: Homestuck, Metal Gear, Tales of Symphonia, Xenoblade Chronicles, 悪魔城ドラキュラ 暁月の円舞曲 と 蒼月の十字架 | Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow & Dawn of Sorrow
Genre: Gen, and also underage drinking...?, rated for language, the homestuck epilogues don't exist, they're all 18+ so like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23424448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rarmaster/pseuds/rarmaster
Summary: What do you get when Jade Harley, Soma Cruz, Kratos Aurion, Solid Snake, and Shulk (Xenoblade) play Never Have I Ever?A mess.(DYWC)
Series: don't you worry child [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1414204
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> housekeeping: since there's two Jades in DYWC, this is homestuck Jade Harley. There's also two Kratoses, and this is the one from ToS, not from YWKON.
> 
> like the tags say: content warning for underage drinking, technically, though everyone here is 18+, so. "wait even Jade??" ye DYWC happens like three years after Homestuck except also the epilogues and homestuck 2 are fake and not real and cannot hurt me

“Tell you what,” Jade says, sitting on the ground with her teammates. She considers each of them in turn with a grin that’s a little dangerous—the image helped considerably by the sharpness of her teeth. “We should get to know each other a little better.”

“How do you mean?” Shulk asks, looking up from his book.

From her sylladex, Jade pops five bottles of alcohol. Her grin gets a little more dangerous.

“Where did you get those?” Snake asks, staring.

“May have bribed an Aegis,” Jade answers, as if the reality wasn’t just she asked each of them nicely and got a ‘ _hell yeah fuck the rules’_ from Malos, a ‘ _PLEASE take pictures if any of y’all do something stupid’_ from Mythra, and a ‘ _don’t forget to drink water, but okay!_ ’ from Pyra. Alvis hadn’t said anything just handed the final two bottles necessary over.

Yes she may have been planning this for a while.

“This… isn’t going where I think it’s going, is it,” Kratos sighs, tired.

Jade grins wider. Shulk looks confused. Soma can’t seem to decide if he’s excited or fearful, but he’s seemed to have caught on like Kratos has.

“Never have I ever?” Soma asks. “You’re kidding, right. You’re not actually suggesting a game of never have I ever, are you.”

“Of course I am, silly!! It’s the best way to get to know your friends!!” Jade says, and then taking in Shulk’s confused expression, elaborates. “It’s a game, it’s super easy, I’d explain the rules but honestly it’d be faster to just learn by example.”

“You kids even old enough to drink?” Snake interjects, before Jade can pass the bottles around.

“Sure!” Jade says, which isn’t comforting.

“I mean,” Soma begins, but can’t get out the _I am in Japan_ excuse because he technically isn’t, yet. “Listen, I’m a thousand years old—”

“That doesn’t count,” Snake interjects, while Jade giggles.

“There’s an age for when you’re allowed to drink alcohol?” Shulk asks, still clueless.

Kratos rolls his eyes and gestures for Jade to hand him a bottle, which she does. He opens it and takes a sip, then after a second nods, satisfied. “It’s not even that strong,” he reassures Snake. “They’ll be okay.”

Snake shrugs, convinced by that. Jade passes the rest of the bottles out, then looks to Shulk.

“Alright, like I said, it’s super easy. I’m going to say something like… hmm…” She takes a moment, thinking it over, squinting behind her glasses with the expression like she hadn’t quite decided what question she was going to open on. “Well, alright. Never have I ever said I only ironically liked something I actually sincerely liked. –And then if you _have_ actually done that, you take a drink.”

“ _Weird_ place to start,” Soma says.

Jade shrugs. “Yeah, well, that would have gotten Dave immediately, so…” She huffs a sigh, scowling. “Okay, yeah, maybe a bad example.”

“Here, I’ve got one,” Soma says, grinning directly at Jade. “Never have I ever eaten dog food.”

“Oh _fuck you_ ,” Jade hisses. “That’s not fair. That’s literally not fair.”

Soma just waggles his eyebrows at her until she takes a drink, then looks to Shulk. “See, half the fun is saying things you _know_ your friends have done just to make them— _holy shit Snake what,_ ” he splutters, noticing that Snake has _also_ taken a drink.

“What?” Snake says.

“Are you gonna elaborate on that??” Soma asks.

“It’s funnier if I let you wonder, isn’t it,” Snake counters, and though his tone is deadpan, you can tell he’s enjoying this.

“Question,” Kratos says. “Where you come from, is there food _specifically_ made for dogs? You don’t just feed them scraps from the table?”

“Oh my god,” Soma says.

“Yeah, there is,” Snake answers. “Food made specifically for dogs, that is.”

“Okay,” Kratos says. “I’m not going to drink, then.”

“Yeah holy shit I definitely met the gross kibble stuff—Snake are you _sure_ you don’t want to elaborate, please, I have to know,” Soma pleads, but Snake ignores him.

“Never have I ever drank the blood of the living,” Snake says, clearly, watching Soma intently.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Soma shouts, while Jade breaks down laughing. “That’s- I have _not—_ ”

From the back of his mind, Dracula does the mental equivalent of clearing his throat, all while Snake raises his eyebrows a little higher.

“Past lives _don’t count_ ,” Soma insists to the both of them, but Dracula quietly steals control of his body just long enough to take a sip. He recoils instantly from the taste. “It’s not even good wine,” Dracula grumbles, with Soma’s mouth, leaving Soma spluttering when he gets control back. “Fuck you too, Drac!” he whines. “Don’t even let me have the first drink, huh? Asshole.”

Snake smiles, not kindly. “Here, Soma, let me help. Never have I ever complained about the quality of my alcohol.”

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Soma says. “That wasn’t me, that was Drac, you can’t make me drink for that—”

“Can you prove it was Drac?” Jade argues.

“Fine, fuck you,” Soma says, and takes a drink, because honestly even though he wouldn’t dare tell anyone, he _did_ want to. It tastes no different than the first time and… Actually, Drac was right, this doesn’t even taste that good but he is _absolutely not_ going to say that aloud to anyone.

“Kratos, your turn,” Jade says.

“I’m thinking.”

They give him a minute, and then Kratos sighs and shrugs, like _fuck it, whatever._

“Never have I ever gone a day without sleeping,” he declares, and then immediately takes a drink of his own alcohol.

“Man, weak one,” Snake laughs, though he also takes a drink.

“In my defense, college studies are a bitch,” Soma argues, as he takes a drink.

“So… if I’ve done that—gone a day without sleeping—I drink?” Shulk asks. At the collective nods he gets, he shrugs, then takes a drink with only a little hesitance. It’s not like he’s _never_ had alcohol before, he’s just never had a whole bottle to himself.

“Jade, drink up,” Soma says, nudging her.

“I haven’t though!” she laughs. “I’m serious!! I honestly have a problem where I sleep _too_ much, it used to be this whole thing. I’d just spontaneously take naps in the middle of the day, and I’d sleep all night so I could see Prospit—Prospit’s probably why I slept all the time probably and _anyway_ I can get all of my friends to vouch for me. I’ve _never_ gone a day without sleeping at some point.”

“No all-nighters?” Soma asks, in disbelief.

“Nope, never!”

“Bold claim to say the friends you can’t contact right now could vouch for you,” Snake argues.

“I believe her,” Kratos says.

“Fine, fine,” Soma grumbles.

“Question… before I take my turn,” Shulk says. “Is there… a winner, in this game? Or is it just for fun?”

“Technically first person to the bottom of the bottle loses,” Jade says.

“Or the first person who gets too drunk to answer,” Snake adds.

“Got it…” Shulk says, slowly.

“In my experience, it is mostly about getting drunk, though,” Kratos adds.

“Okay, well,” Shulk says. “Never have I ever… I don’t know, uh. Fallen down a flight of stairs?”

Jade snorts. “Warned you about the stairs, bro,” she mutters, and knocks back a drink.

Soma deliberates a moment, then sighs. “Yeah, I _guess_ getting kicked down one by a skeleton counts,” and takes a drink as well, right as Kratos and Snake also do.

Shulk blinks at them all, surprised. “What, seriously? All of you?”

“Like Soma said, they’re pretty easy to get kicked down,” Snake shrugs.

“Honestly I can’t remember if I have,” Kratos admits, “but I shouldn’t rule it out.”

“With four thousand years, I don’t know how you rule anything out,” Snake says.

“Never have I ever drank the blood of the living,” Jade declares, over their conversation.

“Can you _stop!?_ ” Soma whines, but takes a swig. “I swear, oh my god I’m not—I mean I’m a reincarnation of a vampire but. Ugh this sucks.”

“No, see, that one, that one I can definitely rule out,” Kratos says, while Shulk chuckles.

“Soma are you picky about wine because it’s not blood?” Snake asks.

“ _No,_ oh my god, and before any of you guys start _I_ haven’t drank any blood, but _Dracula_ has, and I guess I’m—drinking for him, whatever!” Soma throws up his hands, then glares at Jade. “Never have I barked at a loud noise.”

“Wow!!!!” Jade says, offended. She takes a drink, though. “You want to play dirty, huh??”

“It’s not dirty if it’s true!!”

“Jade are you drinking for your- your dog? Or…” Shulk begins.

“Ughhh,” Jade whines. “No, I’m not doing past lives or Bec’s life or whatever, I’ve actually—barked at a loud noise before,”

“I heard her do it,” Soma interjects. And then: “Wait so you really have eaten dog food with your real human mouth then, huh?”

“Oh my goddddd.”

“I mean, nothing strange about that,” Snake says, at which Soma whips his head around to him.

“Are you implying _you have, like for real._ ”

Snake just smiles, not answering.

Instead Snake says: “Never have I ever been too stupid to ask my crush out.” And then after a second of hesitation, he sighs. “The fuck am I saying, Meryl literally had to lock us in a room together,” and he takes a swig.

Soma looks like he _desperately_ wants to hear that story, but gets distracted by Kratos sighing and discreetly taking a drink. Jade whistles, laughing.

“Ohhh em gee, Kratos, give us the deeets,” she says. “Actually not to get my nose all up in your love life but I’m actually not at all surprised by this development. Still though I didn’t know you had—”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Kratos mutters.

“Oh come on,” Jade needles, but:

“Hey Shulk what about you,” Soma interjects, swiftly changing the subject to save Kratos from what is bound to be an awkward conversation, realizing he’s the only one here who knows what _exactly_ is up on the Kratos’ love-life front, or rather, what happened to Kratos’ wife. That’ll be a real mood killer if they get into it, so: “I think you should probably be drinking for that one.”

“Shouldn’t you?” Snake asks.

“Can’t be stupid about a crush if I don’t have one, _no Mina doesn’t count,_ ” Soma says, annoyed, to Snake and then to Dracula when Dracula suggests otherwise. At the raised eyebrows Snake gives him, he insists: “She really is _just_ a friend, I wish people would stop doing that geeze.”

“You look young enough to have a stupid love life, teenage drama, all that,” Snake says, swinging his attention towards Jade.

Jade shrugs. “I’m not really interested?? And I definitely haven’t had _someone had to lock us in a room to admit we had feelings for each other_ levels of stupid, either, though like half my friends are that bad I swear lol,” she says, and she pronounces lol aloud, letter by letter, making Soma cringe. “Teenagers are dumb!! But romance just isn’t my thing.”

“Back to Shulk,” Soma says.

“What about me??” Shulk asks, legitimately clueless.

“Hey, maybe some people don’t like being teased about their crushes!!” Jade interjects, coming to his defense. “Soma—”

“Okay but you’ve _seen_ the way he looks at Alvis, right? We all have.”

Shulk blushes, stammering faintly. “I… that’s… I mean it’s not like that,” he protests, softly. “And even if- even if it was, it’s… Now’s kind of a bad time, I think. We’re at war with the Mechon back home, and I barely ever see him, anyway…”

“Hey, even love can bloom on a battlefield,” Snake says, wisely, while Soma whispers _oh my god_ like his day’s just been made.

Shulk scowls. “Really, it’s not…”

“Never have I ever read an entire book in one sitting,” Kratos says, deftly changing the subject. The words are barely out of his mouth before he takes a larger-than-necessary drink out of his bottle. He makes a face at it like he _wishes_ it were a little stronger.

“Wow, okay,” Soma says. The only other one who moves to take a drink is Shulk, and that’s after some hesitation.

“Oh, my turn again,” Shulk says, a little quickly. “Uh… Never have I ever… got in a fight with a vampire.”

Soma rolls his eyes as he takes a swig, muttering something about how that’s not fair and clearly they want him to get alcohol poisoning. Jade giggles and takes a drink much more unabashedly. Soma lowers his bottle and raises his eyebrows at Snake. “What, you too?”

“I mean, I don’t know if he was a vampire like _Dracula_ ,” Snake hedges, shrugging, “but he called himself a vampire, his name was Vamp, and I’ve fought a lot of weirdos before. He could be vampire. It’s not like I asked him for credentials.”

“Okay, Jade, I have to know…” Shulk begins, having noticed her taking a drink.

“My friend’s a vampire, actually!” she declares, brightly. “Well, a troll vampire. She’s very nice.”

“Nice as opposed to terrifying, like the rest of your friends?” Soma asks.

“Oh, she’s terrifying, too!” Jade grins.

“But she’s your friend?” Shulk asks. Jade nods, and Shulk narrows his eyes. “Then… why were you fighting her?”

“Oh it’s not like it was a _serious_ fight!! I mean it _may_ have involved a chainsaw—” at this Soma sends a horrified look and a loudly mouthed _what!!!!_ in Snake’s direction, not that Snake does anything about it, and Jade keeps going: “—but it’s Kanaya, so like, of course it did. Anyway you can’t tell me you never got any not-even-that-serious fights with _your_ friends, Shulk.”

“That’s… fair…” Shulk says, slowly.

“Kratos, if you’re going to make that face, maybe you should just take a drink,” Snake says, shooting Kratos a look. “What was it you said? With four thousand years, it’s hard to rule anything out?”

“I… did fight a lot of undead…” Kratos begins, and he’s about to protest that he doesn’t think those count as vampires, but Snake, who can tell Kratos would like to be drunker than he is right now, just kind of raises his eyebrows. “…close enough, I suppose,” Kratos relents, and takes a drink.

“Hey, hey,” Jade says. “Never have I ever slept in a coffin—”

“Oh come on!!!” Soma whines. “Listen, listen, in my defense, I was tired, and it looked comfy, and it, I mean they’re actually not so bad if—”

“I don’t see you driiiinking,” Jade laughs, and Soma groans and knocks a swig back.

“Are you really going to say _every_ vampire thing you can think of??” he demands, glaring at her.

“It’s funny,” Snake says.

“Fuck you too, Snake.”

Jade, at this point, has doubled over she’s laughing so hard.

“God!!” Soma whines. “Fuck it, fine, Jade, what’s a dog thing.” He thinks for a minute, and then snaps his fingers. “Oh, got it! Never have I ever pissed on a tree.”

There’s silence, for a second.

Then Jade loses it.

“Holy shit _holy shit!!!!!_ Soma oh my god—”

“We’ve all done that, Soma,” Snake says.

“Soma you did that this morning!!!” Jade cackles. “Soma here aren’t fucking _toilets_ out in the wild!!!! We’ve all pissed on a tree!!!!”

Soma blushes, spluttering as he tries to defend himself. “Shut up, oh my god, I wasn’t thinking,” he tries to say.

“No one- no one else drink, holy shit,” Jade manages to get out around her laughter. “Soma take a long one for all of us oh my god- oh my god ow my _sides_!”

“Fuck you!!”

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DIDN’T THINK THIS THROUGH YOU DESERVE IT!!!”


End file.
